A program designed to help you go from where you are, to WHO you are.
Writings from Experience
by Steven Anderson
A program designed to help you go from where you are, to WHO you are.
Writings from Experience
by Steven Anderson
This program can’t teach you how to “beat the house."
It will instead teach you how to operate through life with a house.
If the house of money and power isn’t working for you,
perhaps consider the house of hope and service.
Cultivating Hope through Service...
A counterintuitive approach to meeting your needs.
Being of service is a form of medicine that treats both patient and provider.
There's no destination, only a path. Keep moving forward, no matter what.
TMF
No Acting No Rehearsal Zero Bull Shit Ever Be Kind First Be Real Always
The Science of Self Awareness
"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom."
Socrates
Who are we as humans?
Who am I as an individual?
How do I operate in and experience life?
What is identity and do I have one?
"To thine self be true."
Socrates
Good advice?
How does one do this?
Happiness Resides in Helping Others
It’s really that fucking simple. I shit you not…
That being said, and being true, I took a very long time to learn the very hard way that operating with happiness as a primary goal in life, was counterproductive to my chances of ever experiencing any actual happiness.
Who knew? I didn’t.
So instead, I spent a lot of years experiencing a lot of Hell, and a lot less of Heaven.
How ironic now with 20/20 hindsight, I can clearly see countless opportunities I missed in life as the direct result of my chasing what I thought would make me happy.
Only to have missed again, and again, and again, opportunities I could have simply experienced, and actually have been happy in the process of doing so. (Priorities)
Happiness resides in helping others is still a true statement because the actual priority in this process is to be of service.
It is NOT to find happiness, or really even to help.
Being of service is an attitude.
That attitude is the actual priority.
Helping is the action/behavior, and happiness is a by-product.
In all my experiences with helping others, it has never failed to be a by-product.
Proper Attitude + Proper Action = Positive result
It’s literally science.
The "Disease" of Addiction
It’s the only disease that kills love.
It’s the only disease that isn’t contagious but still kills other people.
It’s the only disease that is punished.
It’s a disease that is constantly affecting the patient’s decision making,
whether they are using or not.
It’s the only disease where the treatment for it won’t work unless
the patient diagnoses themselves with it.
It’s the only disease that tells the patient they don’t have the disease.
“So let me get this straight… I gotta diagnose myself with a disease
that is telling myself that I don’t have the disease I gotta diagnose myself with!?!?
WTF?!?!”
An estimated 4-5 million people are finding recovery in 12-step fellowships.
An estimated 40-50 million people are struggling with the "disease" of addiction.
I don't share these statistics to attack or be critical in any way. Quite the opposite as that is millions of lives, and families of lives, that have dramatically changed and improved.
I used these statistics as motivation.
I don't know if addiction is a disease or not. I don't know if you are an addict or not.
In TMF it simply doesn't matter so we don't often discuss it.
In TMF we focus on the things we START doing.
What is TMF?
- TMF is open to anyone with a desire to recover their identity, relationships, and opportunities, regardless of how they lost or damaged them. The only requirement for membership is to either ask for help or offer it.
- TMF believes changing your life is really about changing the way you experience life. It has very little to do with changing the people, places, and things your life is partially composed of.
- TMF is a behavioral, harm reduction model designed to reach people where they are and help them build a bridge THEY can walk on towards recovery. We offer support and guidance to each individual as they discover a path that works for them. One size does not fit all.
- TMF welcomes and incorporates professional assistance, insight, and research from medical, psychiatric, and therapeutic communities of all types.
- TMF has no opinion on legal and responsible consumption. The disease of addiction exists on a spectrum and does not affect everyone to an equal degree. It’s a case where there is no rule, but there are some exceptions to it. Let your experience and your conscience guide you.
- TMF recovery has 3 primary goals:.
- Recover one’s identity.
- Recover one’s relationships.
- Recover one’s opportunities.
- TMF believes anyone can use this process and begin to recover. It doesn’t matter if you have been struggling for decades, or you just recently started heading that direction.
ANYONE AT ANYTIME CAN CHANGE THEIR DIRECTION AND BEGIN TO RECOVER
- TMF believes hitting bottom is not a requirement, nor does it even actually exist. “The gift of desperation” has been consistently identified as a precursor to successful recovery. Those who don’t have the gift yet, act as if you do and join us. Either way, we are here, and we are able to help.
- TMF believes abstinence is an important priority for everyone in recovery, but living that priority perfectly is not at all required to recover. Many familiar terms and concepts, such as sobriety, relapse, and triggers, are not discussed because they simply do not apply to our process. Never start over again, just keep moving forward no matter what.
- TMF believes that trudging (walking with purpose) is required for recovery. If you are unwilling to alter your life, how can you expect to change it?
- TMF doesn’t claim to solve your problems. It promises to help you experience them in a different way, so you are then able to solve them yourself.
- TMF does not tell you what to think, but participation will help you learn how to think differently.
- TMF believes recovering one’s identity IS living one’s actual priorities. It becomes axiomatic.
Abstinence & Change
"The secret to change is to focus all of your energy,
not on fighting the old, but building the new."
Socrates
TMF recovery is focused on what you start doing,
rather than what you stop doing.
Abstinence is a priority for everyone, but what abstaining looks like and how it is experienced, is unique for everyone in some way.
TMF believes consistent abstinence is necessary for change, but also knows that abstaining alone does not produce change and is rarely our primary focus.
Alcoholic, addict, addict-alcoholic or whatever else I used to identify myself as no longer define me, or even have meaning to me.
I am in recovery and focused forward
on the identity I’m creating and becoming every day.
That is how I am changing.
That is how I am changing my life.
I KEEP MOVING FORWARD NO MATTER WHAT
New Definitions for Old Words
Recovery:
An altruistic process composed of specific actions and attitudes required to regain, rebuild, or create an individual’s identity, relationships, and opportunities. This process is unique and deeply personal for each individual yet also relies on common experience and identification within the group.
Surrender
"My way of operating through life has consequences I am no longer willing to accept.
I am willing to seek a new and different path."
That's it!
Trudge:
To walk with purpose.
Meditation, contemplation, and consideration
are essential components of one’s purpose while trudging in TMF.
Humility:
The ability to accurately self-appraise one’s reality.
To be right sized.
To neither look up or down at anyone and participate,
eye to eye and shoulder to shoulder,
without judgment of self or others.
Freedom:
When your insides match your outsides.
No mask or façade is ever required,
no matter what the situation or circumstance,
and no matter who is involved.
Failure
Try again, and with better information from what you learned.
Perhaps even ask for help... Then you have better information AND more power.
Success:
The ability to experience true peace of mind and contentment on a consistent and daily basis.
To live in a position of neutrality and neither attack or defend, anything or anyone.
Triggers
The only manner in which we discuss triggers,
is in terms of awareness, response, and elimination.
We increase our awareness to improve our response to triggers,
and we do the work required to eliminate them.
We NEVER discuss or suggest trigger avoidance.
(We never discuss or suggest dodging raindrops either.)
Happiness:
See “Happiness Resides in Helping Others.”
Direction, Momentum, and Priorities
The TMF program begins with these 3 concepts…
Set your life in the direction you want to go.
Keep moving forward (trudge) to build/maintain momentum.
Identify your actual priorities and align them with your momentum.
If you do exactly that, you will recover your identity, relationships, and opportunities.
If you can keep your life headed in the right direction,
while moving forward towards your priorities,
over time you can’t help but run into your goals.
It’s literally science.
Identity
Identity is our first goal in recovery because living without one simply isn’t sustainable.
It also prevents us from forming healthy relationships of any kind.
No intimacy (in-to-me-see) without identity.
You ARE the priorities you live by.
Current priorities can be quickly identified at any point, by looking at how you invest your time, energy, and money.
Determining your current actual priorities, and discovering YOUR actual priorities are very different, but significant milestones.
TMF is designed to help you identify YOUR priorities and develop a way of operating through life that allows you to live by them.
Becoming Teachable
Nearly all of us come into recovery carrying a giant bag of shit we call our problems.
Everyone’s bag is somewhat unique to their own experience,
yet they are all more or less the same.
The details are just there to confuse you.
In our bag is all the shrapnel from past mistakes, missed opportunities, and untapped potential.
The cement holding all that shit together
and making the bag much heavier than it needs to be, is shame.
In my experience, shame is far and away the most damaging,
controlling, and invasive feeling we have as humans.
Recovery says, “Just let go of that bag.
Set it down in the corner of your mind and focus on something else for a while.”
Because of how much we destroy and/or push out of our lives,
the natural tendency in early recovery is to focus on getting things back.
The solution, however, is counterintuitive because recovery is not a process of accumulation, but one of letting go.
Michaelangelo was asked how he created the statue of David and he said…
“I didn’t create David, I went to the stone and removed everything that wasn’t David and there he was.”
The less time we spend focused on, and spinning in circles over, all the shit in our bag, the sooner all that shit stops producing shame and fear in our life.
“The fastest way to get where you're going is to take time and be where you’re at."
"Understanding Addiction, and the Power of Perception"
When looking for a solution, it really helps to know what the problem is.
Even in this age of information the problem of addiction remains misunderstood by most, and its solution is shrouded in even greater mystery.
Addiction impacts roughly 10% of people and exists on a spectrum, similar to light or sound. It does not equally impact those it touches. Many on the lower end of the spectrum live and die without ever knowing the role addiction played in their lives, relationships, and choices. For them, the thought of being an addict isn’t foreign, just plausibly deniable. They managed to maintain a few relationships and opportunities required for their survival.
The circumstances of their lives never collided to become the devastating implosion that so many of us have endured. They never “hit bottom” as some say.
I sincerely do understand the ideology and significance behind the concept of
hitting bottom…
It simply doesn’t exist and therefore can’t be necessary.
“The gift of desperation,” however, certainly appears to be indispensable. It is the most effective primer for surrender, and surrender is the first effective weapon we have to combat our ego.
Service comes later but surrender must continue daily from the start.
Ego is always our greatest enemy in recovery.
Nearly all definitions, descriptions, or explanations of addiction (alcoholism) are expressed as a factor of using (drinking) and its direct consequences in one way or another. The problem with that approach is that our individual using habits and their consequences can be unique as our fingerprints. It can help with identification for the obvious and extreme cases, but not so with the subtle to moderate ones.
There is, however, a single trait demonstrated, discussed, and despised by virtually every person I have met, or heard of, that struggled with addiction. It is the unifying thread in all of us. Yet many, if not most, of us remain consciously unaware of its existence or the degree to which it drives our every thought, feeling, and behavior.
“The Spectrum of Addiction”
To be on TSOA simply means we are involuntarily hardwired for relentless self-analysis, which is usually both critical and comparative in its nature.
Another way of saying this is...
I can’t stop thinking about myself and how I feel.
As my eyes open each morning, and before they have time to focus, my brain is already informing me about me… (Bob E.)
“You didn’t get enough sleep; you should call off work and get some much needed rest.”
“Your body is breaking down and all those old injuries are especially painful today; you should call off work so you can heal.”
“She isn’t getting out of bed, or your face, until you answer her questions; you should call off work to save your relationship.”
(This one illustrates how we can honestly believe we are thinking about someone else, but it is only how that person impacts us that catches our attention.)
The critical component of this wiring frequently ensures a negative and pessimistic mindset, while the comparative aspect demands judgment, of self and others.
The most common manifestation is when we compare how our internal chaos and confusion feel, to how the external and polished facades of others look.
“When I compare my insides to your outsides… I never feel as good as you look.”
This condition of constant self-appraisal, however, does not necessarily mean we are selfish-hearted individuals. It is also not something we chose to have, any more than we chose our height or eye color. It’s the genetic component of addiction, the one that truly runs in the family.
Unfortunately, it does not require a selfish heart to engage in selfish behavior. The road to my own personal hell was indeed paved with the best of intentions. I never once left my house in the morning with a plan to harm someone. Yet, by the end of most days I owed several amends. Occasionally I was aware of one.
“Continuing to use chemicals despite adverse consequences.”
This is the one symptom related to using (drinking) we are going to focus on. The addict, and anyone trying to love, help, or depend on said addict, are always painfully aware of this symptom, and it also sheds light on the core issue. Why do we keep going when the cost seems to dramatically outweigh the reward? The simple answer is we just don’t perceive it or experience it that way. We get a very specific reward the other 90% of the population doesn’t. Also, it is immediate, which will always eclipse potential costs of consequence in the future.
Understanding this reward system and why it exists is the key to the diagnosis and treatment of addiction.
“Men and women drink (use) essentially because they like the effect produced…”
But what is this effect? What specific reward is worth more to us than anything or anyone? Most addicts don’t even know let alone the other 90%. Most just assume the reward is being drunk or high. It’s not!
I will explain this in a way every addict should identify with.
It’s one of those days…
The very moment I awake the weight of EVERYTHING floods my consciousness. (“Fuck me, another day.”)
The person in bed next to me is already up, and already reminding me of EVERYTHING.
I haul ass out of the house (escape) to the job that is beneath my potential and a boss who doesn’t know shit but loves telling me what to do and how to do it.
There isn’t enough money in the bank account and the six-month-old car doesn’t feel new anymore, it just feels like payments.
I spend most of my time either irritated at what is, or daydreaming of what should be, desperately clinging to the delusion that a different partner, different job, or different bank balance would resolve EVERYTHING.
The workday finally ends and after ten to twelve hours of this relentless internal assault on myself I get to my spot.
A few drinks (puffs, snorts, shot, whatever flips your switch) and a few minutes later…
“Ahhh… I’m ok… I got this…”
(Momentary yet monumental relief materializes within me, as even a subtle smile begins to form.)
I have not yet met an addict who didn’t relate and identify with the magnitude of those few minutes and the literal transformation that takes place. But what is transformed? What is actually changed? My partner, boss, or bank account didn’t change.
EVERYTHING I was so concerned with has remained exactly the same. The chemicals didn't change anything in my life, but they did change the way I experienced life, momentarily.
The one and only thing that actually changed was my perception, my internal perception of EVERYTHING external.
Therefore, the real problem isn’t EVERYTHING, or even anything, external.
“My internal perception of EVERYTHING external is flawed.”
To the addict this may sound insulting and/or overwhelming at first but because of our experience with those few minutes we are already familiar with the power of perception. This shift of perception is the reward or effect, and it is also the key to the treatment of addiction.
We must first identify what this new perception is, and then find a mechanism to create the shift without the use of chemicals... Allow me to introduce another new concept.
“Emotional Homeostasis:
Intellectual and behavioral mechanisms that allow most people to regulate their internal emotional conditions, despite external stimulus.”
Another way to describe it is…
“The ability to feel ok inside, no matter what is going on outside.”
This is an ability every human being requires for any contentment or sense of security. Most of the 90% developed this ability in the process of maturing into adulthoood. Most of us who struggle with addiction, obviously did not. We didn’t fully mature emotionally, which is evident in the child-like behavior we all too often display. They are adult-style temper tantrums in language and content, but not much different than a 5-year-old.
I have had several romantic relationships over the years. Most were “co-dependent death spirals” (Chuck) that ended with drama, flare, and tragedy. The few healthy women I dated never stayed around very long because they quickly realized that my shape and my age were the only adult characteristics I possessed. I was offended and angered by this explanation at first, but the mentality of
“I want what I want, and I want it now,”
accurately depicted how I often behaved, and I couldn’t deny it.
In a very real way, recovery is a process through which we can mature emotionally.
Every addict is searching for a way to feel ok inside. We just became confused on how and where to look. How could we not be confused, considering our experiences before and after discovering the effect we get from chemicals?
Therefore, all our desperate actions and the damage they create, are really just the product of confusion,
rather than some deficiency of character or willpower.
This in no way excuses our behavior or absolves us of responsibility for the damage we do. We simply lack the baseline neurochemistry to maintain emotional homeostasis on our own. If you already have this ability, then it’s difficult to imagine life without it. We, as addicts, only discovered it through chemicals. Then we too found it very difficult to imagine life without this ability. That is why we keep going back to the substance no matter what the risk. That is why we use with urgency. We are trying to get to that state of perception where we are able to feel ok inside, no matter what is going on outside.
What does it really mean to not be ok on the inside?
That is an experiential condition, but an empathetic imagination will suffice.
In the early days it was like a low-grade fever of emotions.
It didn’t boil over all the time, but it was constantly simmering, ready to boil at any moment.
I had absolutely no idea what was wrong, but I was unavoidably aware something wasn’t right. It wasn’t a fully conscious awareness but it sure as fuck wasn’t sub-conscious either.
If asked what was wrong, my most honest answer would have been all about my external circumstances.
Over time it changed. My use increased. My need for use increased.
The awareness that something was inherently not right inside of me was now fully conscious, yet I still didn’t know what was wrong.
I was even more convinced my external circumstances were to blame.
Eventually I lost the ability, no matter how much I used.
So, if I couldn’t feel ok, I didn’t want to feel.
I spent several years where I could only experience life as suicidal misery or be passed out.
I drank with extreme urgency because passing out was the only relief, from myself, I could find. Just being conscious was all it took for me to experience loneliness,
shame, and fear more intensely than can be accurately described.
If you identify with this, no description or explanation is needed. You already understand.
I didn’t know the ability to feel that ok inside existed (or that I lacked it), until consuming my first chemical. I could not have explained it in those words at the time but that is exactly what happened, a total transformation of perspective.
At the age of 22 I finally discovered what life was like with the ability to feel ok inside, no matter what was going on outside.
I was suddenly aware that past trauma doesn’t always have to be consciously on tap, that the fear and shame it creates don’t have to gnaw away at every thought and feeling.
I learned what it was like to participate in life without the constant concern of what others might think of me, or how I can manipulate the situation to control what they think of me.
I learned to be spontaneous, and as authentic as I could be at the time.
Again, I could not have explained it that way then, but what I did know was I had finally got somewhere I had never been before, and no fucking way was I ever going back.
Can you just try to imagine the life altering change that took place? It was the instant release of a fearful and burdened existence, exchanged for visceral optimism and finally feeling comfortable in my own skin instead of trying to crawl out of it?
Could you ever consider giving up this ability?
It’s why most of us pursue it into the “gates of insanity or death.”
When you combine this lack of emotional homeostasis (my inability to feel “ok” inside), with being on the spectrum of addiction (me constantly analyzing how I feel), you can begin to appreciate and understand how powerful and deep-rooted the cycle of addiction actually is. I have a brain that doesn’t know how to feel ok, and that same brain won’t stop asking me how I feel.
I chase the temporary chemical relief,
and the cycle reinforces itself as it repeats.
Looking through this lens also sheds light on why humility is vital (necessary for survival) for recovery and also where TMF derives its name.
The ability to accurately self-appraise my own reality becomes paramount in priority because my brain is going to keep appraising my reality whether I want it to or not.
If all my appraisals are inaccurate (or untruthful), then all of my reactions and responses to life are also inaccurate (or untruthful).
In that condition I am quite literally believing the lies my own mind creates.
On most days this leaves me obsessively spinning on how I can fix things not actually broken, or painfully unaware of broken things that actually need to be fixed.
Again… When looking for a solution, it helps to know what the problem is.
The TMF recovery process is how we have come to operate through life with truthful minds.
The fellowship is how we maintain our truths and help others to uncover their own.
Common "Perception Distorters"
The following "Perception Distorters" are symptoms of the addict rather than the disease.
Note they are all internal and emotional conditions that contribute to the self-centered behavior almost every addict demonstrates.
Many can also be logically linked to trauma.
This is not a comprehensive list of internal symptoms, but they are quite common amongst addicts I have known.
Some may identify with only a few, while some might be more like me and experience them all.
Negative Mindset
The glass isn’t even half empty, there’s no fucking glass. Making mountains out of molehills.
Elevated emotional sensitivity.
Anxiety, irritability, anger, rage. Trauma becomes PTSD. Depression, insecurity, loneliness, rejection.
Perfectionism
All or nothing investment. Black and white perspective.
Lack of Discipline
Free spirit. Fly by the seat of my pants. Great starter but don’t finish.
Isolation
Avoidance.
Authority Issues
Rules don’t apply to me. Legal problems.
Comparing my insides to other people’s outsides
Facebook / social media, Comparative self-identity
Ego maniac with an inferiority complex
Hero or victim. In control or can’t participate.
Delusions of grandeur
Irrational confidence/optimism. Magical thinking. Lotto mentality
E/I Decision making
Emotions over Intellect… I know what to do, I just can’t FEEL like doing it. (romance and finance)
Chameleon
Flexible identity. I knew I didn’t ever really fit in anywhere, but I could temporarily appear to fit in almost everywhere.
Fear of being bored
Anxious anticipation and restlessness. Any immediate gratification mechanism utilized as distractions are required.
I truly believe this list to be incredibly useful to anyone for whom addiction and/or obsessive thinking is an issue. It might even be useful to people who haven’t started suffering yet.
Letting Go
Dr. Bob Smith and (Richard) Sandy Beach
are two men of somewhat legendary status in the AA community.
Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson co-founded AA in 1935
and the doctor went on to sponsor over 5000 people
before his passing in 1960.
Don’t stress on the math, I did it for you…
That averages out to him starting to help a new person
about every other day for 25 years!
At the end of his now famous last talk,
he said the entire program of the 12 steps
can be boiled down to two words,
love and service.
Sandy B. was a fighter jet pilot in the military
before getting sober in 1964.
He became an incredibly popular speaker at AA meetings,
talks I have listened to recordings of for years.
I was also fortunate enough to meet and talk with him
at a weekend conference where he was speaking,
two years before he passed in 2014.
In his talk he said if he had to describe the program
in one word it would be
change.
If he could use two words, they would be
let go.
It is through love and service that we learn to let go.
It is in letting go that we change.
You are never going to change your life in a day, but you can absolutely start to change the direction of your life right here and now... Just trudge. Begin to walk with purpose today.(30min in am, 30min after dinner) Let new awareness' guide your meditation, contemplation, and consideration as y
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