Who Am I?

"I’m just a person who is trying to be better. "

I’m just a person who is trying to be better,” has turned out to be a tremendous way to operate in life on a full time forever basis. 

It’s not about the results, ever. 

It’s about never stopping trying to be better. 

It’s about remaining teachable. 

It’s about the growth and perspective. 

Attitude of approach.  

Priorities. 

Trudge.

So lucky are those of us that have to get really good at trying to be better, just to survive. 

Think how strong we will be.  

Perspective. 

Attitude of approach. 

Priorities. 

Trudge.
 

"I'm not dead...   but it's not my fault."  

In coming to terms with accepting the responsibility of writing all this, there existed within me tremendous fear and apprehension. 

“What if I’m ‘wrong’ and people die while trying the program?” 

Until my very recent car accident, it was the only thought that had actually kept me up nights in almost four years of my current recovery. I say current because my journey of recovery (and addiction) spans decades. 

I began attending AA meetings, between drinks, 

several years before I experienced what is known as sobriety. 

I knew chemicals were a problem in my life, 

but I also somehow intuitively knew that chemicals weren’t THE problem. 

Even back then, before I knew virtually anything about recovery (or addiction), 

I knew there was something else going on inside me. 

I could feel it. 

From January, 2005 until August, 2019 I was either involved daily, 

and passionately invested in one or more 12 Step Fellowships (AA mostly), 

or I was desperately trying to be as a “chronic relapser.” 

I did experience several significant bouts of sobriety the first 9 years. 

Stints of 6-12 months were common with one lasting over 2 years. 

It proved to be my longest, and last, real experience of 12-Step sobriety, 

but I was completely unaware of this fact until years later.  

Without those experiences and the life saving education inherent to the 12-Step process, 

I would not have a current recovery to write about. 

I would also argue that you’d have a very difficult time finding someone who invested more in the 12-Step process, and got worse results, than myself. 

That is in no way the fault of anything or anyone 12-Step related. 

It isn’t my fault either but that is another relatively recent awareness. 

It simply isn’t an issue of fault or blame in any way or either direction. 

It’s a matter of function and nothing more. 

The transformational process of the 12-Step program 

ceased to function in my life the same as it previously had. 

It is also true that even in sobriety; it never functioned in me 

to the same degree it seemed to in most sober members (“The Winners”) of the program, 

my repeated relapses being the obvious evidence of that.

Even more specifically, my concept of a Higher Power 

never seemed to function in my life to the same degree 

as it was so often discussed and explained by others. 

Again, this is not an issue of fault or blame in any direction. 

Nearly 15 years of genuine effort towards continuous sobriety 

culminated in August of 2019 when I finally gave up trying to work a 12-Step program. 

I also gave up on myself and attempted suicide twice in three weeks that month.

The period of time leading up to that month 

I simply refer to as my “6-Years of Darkness.”  

During this period of my life is when I discovered, among many other awareness’, 

there is no such thing as hitting bottom. 

The consequences of those years began as some the worst I’d had. 

Then they continued to increase in severity and frequency, year after year after year, etc. 

From the start, my negative mindset and critical self-talk 

were darker than anything in my past, and by darker I mean suicidal. 

Thoughts like, “I fucking hate myself, I wish I was dead,” 

and several similar variations on that theme, 

rapidly became more than relentless and frequent in my mind. 

They became involuntary and verbal, dozens of times most days, 

and often in public around strangers. 

For over six years those kinds of thoughts and words 

invasively included themselves into the backdrop of my life.

No amount of meetings, step-work, attempts to be of service, 

or any other effort to work a 12-Step program made a difference. 

My depression so dense and deeply rooted in trauma from all eras of my existence, 

simply put, I could not, NOT drink, no matter what. 

The unintended consequence of the term “relapse,” is shame. 

How can it not be? 

Everyone said the right things in the meetings every time I picked up a white chip. 

Then in another meeting on different day many of those same people would share very contradictory opinions to their prior comments of understanding and acceptance. 

The comments I’m referring to were most often shared with the best of intentions. 

Their over-riding message, however, is if you are not a “winner”, 

you are not really part of “the club.”

“The only step you have to work perfectly is the first one.”  

The constant celebration of continuous sobriety 

and the simeoultaneous walks of shame for those of us without it. 

Still, this is an issue of function only, not judgment or blame. 

I was not a victim, but I did experience a tremendous amount of shame as the direct result of being a “chronic relapser” for 15 years in AA, and several other A’s. 

I never stopped trying. I never stopped failing.

Also during those years I checked myself into rehab over 30 times, 

how many more than that I have no clue. 

It was the only place I could experience anything remotely resembling sobriety, 

and even get a little relief from my suicidal self-talk. 

Almost every time I was drinking within a month of leaving, 

and within the day on the majority of those. 

I never stopped trying. I never stopped failing.

It is no coincidence that my suicide attempts in August, 2019, 

occurred on the heels of my consciously giving up on AA. 

I couldn’t continue the pain of drinking, and AA had been my only solution to drinking. 

I tried everything else I could find, but had only found true relief in AA, and now that was gone. 

I was a problem with no solution. 

I stopped trying. I failed, twice. 

The next 5 months I can only describe as my own personal purgatory. 

In January, 2020 I finally found a glimpse of hope and relief 

through the help of a MAT program. 

Something my old-school AA upbringing disapproved of. 

It literally saved my life. 

Enough said. 

The original roots of inspiration for this program began later that summer, 

and it continues to be a work in progress still today.